Down and Out

I had typed up this long post about how much of a funk I'm in (99% due to work) and how burnt out I feel and how this and that and everything else in my life is in the crapper (including diet and exercise and oh by the way, I hate you, scale).

It's easier to stay angry or depressed, isn't it? I'm having some trouble with a coworker who knows how to push my buttons, and I was angry about it all weekend. Angry not because it was in the grand scheme of things something that warranted 3 days of being angry, but I remained angry because it was simply easier to do so. Because I felt justified in my anger. Because I had no release for my anger - well, I ran on Saturday, but it was cut short by a winter storm moving in - but shopping wouldn't make me feel better, eating (as I discovered) wouldn't make me feel better, no.... only confronting the anger and asking myself the hard questions and figuring out a plan of action would ultimately allow me to release the anger, hurt and frustration.

One year ago today, I began tracking my weight. I also began my first week of Couch to 5k. One year ago, I changed my life and became a runner! When I set out to blog this morning, I was wondering where my motivation had gone. Why is everything else going on in my life affecting something that was once so important to me, something I considered vital for my daily survival? And then I got a text from my nephew, who asked about what it takes to start running. What kind of shoes? (Expensive ones). What should I do so that I don't get discouraged (follow a program, set milestones, track your progress). Sign up for a race! Enjoy the process. Fall in love with the act of moving. Cherish the journey, the time alone, the time you spend with just you and the pavement. Oh yeah.... so that's why I love running....

It would be easier to say I had a hard day at work and I don't have it in me to go to the gym. It would be easier to stay comfortable, wouldn't it? That's something my Ultimate Conditioning instructor, Lori, said last week that caught my attention. You're not changing your body if you're not uncomfortable. And how true it is. How uncomfortable it is to make the right decisions when it comes to eating or exercising. How hard it can be sometimes, especially when life gets in the way as it has a habit of doing. How tempting it is to sit on the couch instead of moving.

Making myself uncomfortable is what gave me a 70 pound loss over the course of a year.

Making myself uncomfortable is what made me shed 52 inches from my body.

Making myself uncomfortable is what got me through 6.2 miles and it will get me through 13.1.

So even though my life is messy and stressful at the moment, and it'd be much, much easier to drown my sorrows in a pan of brownies and Pawn Stars reruns, I need to keep making myself uncomfortable.

Mixed Feelings Monday

I overate this weekend. We were invited to a last minute super bowl party and I ate too much, per my usual modus operandi when I'm around a lot of food at other people's houses. It's like a game of let's see how much food I can stuff into my mouth before it physically becomes painful... because, you know, there's never enough food for everyone at gatherings like a Super Bowl party, right? Sometimes I wonder - if my body type was made for famine, being that I use up fat stores more slowly than my twig-like brother - if the instinctual desire to store food kicks in whenever I'm surrounded by copious amounts of goodies. It's like a bear preparing for hibernation!

Or maybe I am just so stressed out about a situation at work that I'm taking out my frustration and stress on an unsuspecting bowl of spinach dip and cheese balls shaped like footballs. That does seem more likely.

Or maybe I feel like because I am thin, that I deserve to eat just like everyone else? That I shouldn't have to be different than my naturally thin friends? That I should be able to kick back and munch on goodies like everyone else without worrying about what the scale will say in the morning? Except every morning post-pig out, I have to remind myself that I'm not like everyone else. That I will never be able to just "eat whatever I want and not gain an ounce." That I will always be watching my calories, upping my exercise, caring what the scale says the morning after.

Maybe it is a combination of all those things, or maybe it's none of those things. Either way, the weekend is over, and it's a brand new day with no mistakes in it (thanks for that gem, Anne Shirley). Whatever my reasons for over indulging this weekend, they are over and I need to be mindful of the fact that whatever happens in my life does not give me a free pass to a slice of pie! (But man, oh man do I make a mean apple pie...)

Quick Friday Post

Well as Sunny put it the other day... tonight is a planned splurge night. :)

There is a fabulous chophouse in town called MacKenzie's that we've been frequenting...well, ever since we started dating over 6 years ago. As I mentioned yesterday, my parents will be in town over Valentine's Day so we decided to go out a weekend early and have ourselves some steak! My favorite is a baseball cut steak with Italian herbs... oh man. I'm hungry! I think we are going to go see the Book of Eli after dinner.

I went out last night to try and find something nice to wear, but came up empty. Well, sort of. I bought a black pencil skirt for work that looks ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. One thing I'm trying to keep in mind is try and buy clothes that have shape... so many of my clothes are shapeless, and with my short torso I end up looking boxy if I'm not careful. Hey I have curves, shouldn't I show them off? Anyway. It's a size 4. Size 4! Unreal.

Well I have a lot of work to get done today so I need to make this short. Today is another rest day and then I'll run 6-7 miles tomorrow since it's supposed to be the only nice day of the weekend. I got a really good night's sleep last night so I feel great today - nice thing about exercising constantly (esp. weight lifting) is that it boosts your immune system. I feel like I hardly get sick anymore and even if I do, it doesn't stick around for very long and it's much easier to deal with!

Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!

And on Thursday, she rested

Haha. I got an ok night's sleep last night so I feel better today than I did yesterday. Actually, yesterday I felt pretty good except having to blow my nose every two seconds once I got home from the gym. Ah...the gym. A snow storm was blowing in yesterday so I went to the gym about an hour before UC and ran for 3 miles. See, last week's UC class wasn't too difficult - I thought it was easier (albeit still difficult) than the first week. So I thought, heh, I am getting in better shape already, my legs feel great, I should go run because class should be about the same. Um... yeah. File that under "what was I thinking?"

The instructor (Lori) told us to get a medicine ball and a mat.. that's all we needed (most often we work with 3 sets of weights, a mat, a step board, maybe a stability ball). And then she said "you'll hate it when you're doing it, but you'll love it when you're done." Wow, that was the most intense workout I have ever done...worse than when I was 200+ lbs and working with my trainer. It truly showed me how out of shape I still am, even after 70 lbs gone! I think it would have been majorly tough even if I hadn't run beforehand. Most everyone was struggling, red faced and sweaty by the end. Someone did quit halfway through and for a second or so, I considered it but I stuck with it. I know that you can go at your own pace so that was a helpful reminder. I am hurting today, not as bad as I thought I would be but I think I'll definitely be moving slower today and tomorrow. I really feel though that once I can work up to doing UC twice a week, this class will definitely help with the things I have been struggling with...namely excess body fat.

Down to 143 this morning. Definitely grateful for my rest day today... DH and I are celebrating Valentine's Day tomorrow since my folks will be here next weekend, so we're headed to our favorite chophouse. I'm thinking I might go find a cheap dress or something nice to wear. I think I will take measurements tomorrow and see what's happening in that realm.

Fat Pants... OUT!

Hump day and hanging on by a thread

I was pleasantly surprised to realize it's actually Wednesday, not Tuesday (or even worse, Monday!) when I rolled out of bed this morning, puffy-eyed and sniffly. Yeah... I am fighting off a cold and not sleeping well the past few nights hasn't helped. Other than constantly blowing my nose and feeling like I need an I.V. drip of coffee hooked up to my arm, I'm not feeling too terrible. I'm pretty sure the hubs is fighting off the same cold so we're definitely a pair right now.

Tonight is Ultimate Conditioning (oh joy), but weirdly I feel like my body is energized/rested enough to go. I ran on Monday and took yesterday off, so all in all, especially my legs, I'm feeling pretty decent. My weight is holding pretty steady at 144 for the past few days, so I can't complain, especially if I'm coming down with something. As I was tossing and turning last night, I was thinking about how much I miss running. I just can't seem to get back into a good routine since the holidays. I remember when I used to run 5 days a week! Now I'm lucky if I run twice. And that is sad. What is wrong with me? I have a half marathon in 4 months. I have ZERO excuses...the weather has been in the sunny mid-40s lately and I have a track at the gym and a treadmill... I struggle when I run and my only reasoning is that it's because I'm such a slacker lately that I'm regressing in terms of ability. I don't even know why... I feel great when I go outside and run and feel better about myself and life in general. Maybe it's the winter blues, maybe I am just burned out. After restructuring at my job, I find myself with an increased workload which is good but it also means more time and energy on the job. I don't think it helps that I really hate this time of year in Colorado. Seriously, January and February are terrible. It's snowing every two days and because we live so close to the front range, the sun sets behind the mountains pretty early in the afternoon. When I go to work, it is dark. When I leave work, I barely have any time to get home and run for more than 45 minutes or so because of the sun setting/getting cold(er).

But you know what? They are just excuses, and I have no one to blame but myself. So today, I'm going to run for 3 miles after work and go to Ultimate Conditioning. It's supposed to be 45 and sunny again today, so no excuse in terms of weather. Tomorrow it will be snowing so maybe I will do another class at the gym or just go do some cardio for a bit. Either way, I really need to get back into it. I've just been such a slacker for the past four weeks. I've had enough of it!

The Second of February

Wow, you ladies are getting deep here in February... and we're only two days in! From figuring out 10 things that make me happy to Waisting Time's post on Groundhog Day/What would you go back and do differently... y'all have given me some things to think about! :)

10 Things that Make me Happy


Thanks, Sunny, for the Happy 101 award! Here are my 10 things that make me happy:
1. My husband who is my best friend in the entire world.
2. My cat, who is the best snuggler
3. My family and my husband's family
4. Running outside in warm weather
5. Sleeping in on Saturday mornings
6. Good conversations
7. Being on the beach - anywhere!
8. Sunrises shining on Pike's Peak when I drive to work
9. Summer BBQs with friends
10. Spending time with people that I love

Gosh, that list is making me wish for summer...badly! At least in March, we will start having some decently warm days, even though they'll be mixed in with snowstorms.

I am supposed to nominate 10 people for the Happy Award...
Marbear
Beerab
Waisting Time
Round
.... I think Sunny nominated the rest of the ladies I would have nominated. lol!

WWYDD? (What Would You Do Differently?)
Waisting Time brought up an interesting point in her blog post this morning. If you could go back and do things differently in your life, what would you change? On the one hand, even though I have decisions that I regret, they all led me to this point in my life which I think is a pretty darn good life, if I do say so myself. If I hadn't chosen to forgo Journalism grad school out of state and stay for a different graduate program, would I have still married my husband, gotten the job I have now, life the live I'm currently living? Even though I regret the graduate program I chose (it just wasn't very interesting nor did it really pertain to my career), it opened some doors for me and I settled and established my life in Colorado. For that reason alone, I think it was worth the four years of continual boredom. I just try not to think about the price tag associated with it.

One thing I do regret that I wish I had changed was allowing myself excuses for not eating right or exercising. For several years I struggled with putting on 50 lbs, an anxiety disorder, depression and so on. I wish I had known back then how much regular exercise would change my life for the better. I wish I hadn't waited so long to do what I've been doing for the past year. I wish I had known how much of an improvement to my quality of life that running would give me.

But other than that? I'm a firm believer that our paths are already laid out for us. Sure we have choices and the freedom to make those choices, but I'm that type of person that believes that a decision made years ago will continue to shape and mold our lives for years to come. In fact, I was conversing with a coworker yesterday about going home, and how every time I go home to Oklahoma and come back to Colorado, I question for a day or so if I made the right choice, because I lovelovelove being at home in OK and would move back there in a heartbeat if it were possible. But making that choice would mean that I wouldn't have married my husband and that to me is a no-brainer... I'd take him over living somewhere else any day!

Anyway, there's your deep thoughts by Fat Pants for the day. :)

One last thing to write about. Beverly commented yesterday and asked about my diet/exercise plan and if I had it written out anywhere. I actually don't think that I do! But here's a summary of it all:

I calorie count (around 1200/day) and try to limit my carbs to under 100g a day. Other than that, I am not very strict. If I feel like having something, I do, but then that means I have to make a choice not to have something else (say, dessert after dinner) later on in the day. I struggle a lot with portion sizes so it has been a long journey to figure out what a "normal" portion is. Because in my head, it's usually about three times as big.

I exercise frequently, running 2-3 times a week and do a strength training/weight lifting class (60 min.) twice a week at the gym. One of my runs is a long run, which right now is over 60 minutes but that's because I'm training for a half marathon. The other runs are relatively (35 minutes) short. Cardio makes the weight come off, strength training makes the inches come off.

That's it! It's not very formal or very fancy. :)

Welcome, February

Wow, hard to believe the first month of 2010 is already done and over with. Considering I started the month at 151, ending at 144 is quite alright with me. My goal in February is to break out of the 140s!

Well, I survived the baby shower on Saturday. My mom was supposed to fly up on Friday, but they closed the airport because they got hit with another ice/snowstorm from Thursday-Saturday. Crazy! So it was just me to brave a bunch of hormonal women and baby shower food. I'm happy to say I only ate a VERY small piece of cake and stayed away from the rest of the goodies.  Here's me before I left for the shower (hey, you ladies said to look good, right?)

I now realize after taking this photo that my favorite Express shirt is too large. It makes me look a little bit pregnant! Anyway, the shower was OK. My SIL was pretty nice (I think some of you  may be right...she seems to have unclenched a bit since hitting her third trimester). My SIL's mom is a piece of work. She is one of those folks that lacks a "appropriateness filter," or tact, shall we say. I got to her house and she started at me for a minute or so and said "You've lost a LOT of weight." Not like "hey good job" or anything. Her tones was very strange. I'm like, thanks for announcing to a room full of strangers that I used to be fat. I don't know, does anyone else get embarrassed when someone mentions their weight loss? I'm ok if people say "Wow, you look great! What have you been doing?" but when someone points out the actual weight loss factor, I get embarrassed. It's like you admit the elephant in the room that you were at one time indeed.... large. On some level sure I am proud that I've lost 70 lbs but really? Should I be proud that I had 70 lbs to lose in the first place? I don't know, just a thought I had this weekend. Will have to mull over that one.

Which kind of brings me to my next point. A lot of people seem to go through these moments of clarity when they realize that this time is different and they'll never go back to being overweight. I can't say I've ever really had one of those moments, but I did have a realization on Friday after reading a thread on the 3FC forums in the 100 lb Club about things you won't miss about being "morbidly obese." I was never morbidly obese so I can't relate to a lot of the things they were saying, but I could relate to some. The thing that struck me though is realizing that I never want to go back to the point of wanting to be invisible because of my weight, or not having any confidence because I didn't like the way I looked, or being ignored because I was fat and dressed frumpy, or being mistaken for my husband's sister because why would a guy like that be with an overweight girl like me? Yes, the out of shape factor sucked, not having any clothes that fit sucked, feeling like people were staring at me when I would eat..sucked. But none of those things sucked as much as the perception I had of myself and that I portrayed to other people. I never want to go back to feeling that way!

ETA: What was I saying about my SIL and brother unclenching? I just found out they told my parents that they can't come see the baby for at least a month after the baby is born. WTF is wrong with some people.

Fashion Friday

Weight is 144.2 - So. Exciting!

My groin pull (I hate the word groin - anyone else?) is feeling MUCH better today. Could have been just strained/sore from the workout. I know exactly which move did me in - the curtsy lunge. Look at this ridiculous woman attempting to show how a curtsy lunge works:

I never have that idiotic smile on my face when I'm doing lunges!

Things are still getting tweaked on the workout schedule side. I'm now thinking I will do Ultimate Conditioning twice a week and run 2-3 times a week. There is a little bit of fear with this schedule...fear that I will fall away from running and end up totally sucking at my half marathon. I think if I get in at least 2 good runs a week, with one being my long run, things will be ok. I mean, the race is all downhill, right? Uh, yeah...right.

In keeping up with building my soon to be fabulous wardrobe, I offer two more essential pieces: the little black dress and the all purpose black heel.

 

This important piece comes from White House/Black Market ... sans the wide belt. Good for company parties, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, cruises, court dates (??), and so on... I think every woman probably needs a good little black dress. I really love the sleeves on this one... makes it possible to still wear a bra for those of us who are.. um... blessed.

And then of course, the essential black heel to go with the essential little black dress. I really don't think any words can describe how in love I am with this heel. From Express. The possibilities are endless with such a great shoe!

Well, what do you all have planned for the weekend? It's my SIL's baby shower tomorrow. I think I may need a stiff drink to get through Saturday.

Out of commission

Adventures in Ultimate Conditioning has left me with a.... pulled groin?! Ugh. I don't think it's too serious. I'm not limping and it doesn't hurt to walk up and down the stairs... just to sit down/stand up and apparently tying my shoes. I'll live, but I don't want to take any chances with running and making it worse. I think I still might go to the gym today and work on the stationary bike and elliptical... at least get some low impact cardio in, as long as it doesn't aggravate anything.

Class last night was torture.. again. I'm not as nearly as sore today as I was after the first class (minus my inner thigh), and last night's class included a lot more cardio than the first one. But it was fun, and I didn't fall down this time..ha. I did feel bad for one lady who was new. She asked if it was a step class (um no, but it's basically the work of the devil!) and then she packed up and left halfway through. Yeah, that class is a killer. But I can already tell a difference in my runs in terms of leg strength/endurance, so I'll stick with it. I think I did better last night (despite the injury) than the previous week, but we'll see....

Weight is 144 this morning, though, and that makes me a very happy person. :) Gotta tell ya, every time I wanted to quit last night, I just thought about having our photos taken in May! Great inspiration and motivation!

A whole lotta nothing

I've started this entry a few times, only to erase what I've written because I have nothing interesting to say! I didn't get my full 5 miles in - did do 4.5 which is ok, but I might run a mile at the indoor track before class tonight just to keep the running up. I still haven't decided if I'm going to do spin tomorrow or do my scheduled 2.5 miles. I think I'll stick with the 2.5 miles because hello? 13 miles is coming up QUICK. I'm having so much fun with the variety of classes that sometimes I have to remind myself of the big race!

DH and I talked last night about going up to Estes Park in May instead of going to Moab (that will come over the 4th of July). I mentioned the photographer based out of Grand Lake/Estes Park and said it would be a great birthday present for me (hint, hint). He liked that idea, so the weekend before Memorial Day, we'll head up there and stay at a B&B...go hiking, explore Rocky Mountain Nat'l Park... I think the spring flowers will be absolutely fantastic that time of year, too!

So once we decided on that yesterday, it got me thinking - I plan on taking my birthday off to shop for a brand new wardrobe, and I'll need a great outfit to wear for the photos. One that caught my eye last night as DH was watching Ghost Rider (seriously one of the worst movies of all time) is what Eva Mendes is wearing in one of the scenes:

Pretty simple - she wore it with a pair of nice jeans and boots... dressy casual, I would say. I think I'll start collecting photos if I see an outfit so I have a good idea of what I want in my closet!

That's it for me today... gotta get working. I feel like Frank Costanza in the SERENITY NOW Seinfeld episode when it comes to work lately. Ugh. Hey, it's Wednesday...the week is half over, right? Right!